A Part of Your Complete Breakfast: Drug Pushing Cereal Boxes

Cap'n Crunch, or Cap'n Crack Addict??

I don’t know if any of y’all have taken a recent stroll down the cereal section of your big, chain supermarkets recently — but if you have, is it just me, or is something afoot in the world of cereal?

This cereal box appears to not be advertising Crunch Berries, but CRACK Berries, to little children.  (As opposed to big children — who’ve already moved on and graduated to cheap, industrial grade crack.  Which their parents medicate with a dose of Ritalin.)

And WHO the FRAK is that googly-eyed character next to the Cap’n?

Yeah.  It is obviously riding a wavelength that us mere, 9-5, law-abiding peons are unable to catch.

Yes IT.  I mean, what is that?

Perhaps it is but a by-product of one crrrraaazy night between a bucktoothed giraffe and an inbred cousin of Fraggle Rock.

Anyway, whatever it is (no judgment), it is obviously NOT in the right state of mind to make that decision to make Crunch Berries a part of its complete breakfast.  It’s like that chicken-or-the-egg question — was precious, spotted IT like that prior to the Crunch Berry effect or afterward, and is just getting its fix to get through the day??

Ah, and yes.  If Cap’n Crunch and his rabid little friend are addicts, then who are the drug pushers???

Ba-ZAM.  Yeah, no one would suspect a cool, innocent-looking amphibian to be pushing all that bleached, refined sugar. GOOD SOURCE OF VITAMIN D-RUG.  Dig ’em.

You see, the trick to trusting a good pusher is to hire someone who hasn’t touched the stuff yet, and ergo does not look rabid.  And what’s with the starry, white sparkles?  Because.  It deh GOOD stuff.  Des why it spah-kle.

And in case you don’t believe me, that the cereal companies are conspiring to shape our children to become addicts, fiends and drug pushers, I give you exhibit B, C and D.

PUSHER. (remember the sparkles.)

FIEND. (the evidence is allll over his nose.)

This one's tricky at first, cuz he's reaching for the cereal and there aren't any sparkles. But if you look at his eyes, they're sane and not rabid. PUSHER.

FIEND. Aaand it looks like he's reaching for the more hallucinatory variety. Right on, silly rabbit. Right on.

DRUG LAB. BUSTED. Do you REALLY think that's just milk they're pouring into that cereal bowl??? And what's up with their evil little noses? And what happened to the Cocoa Krispies monkey? Weren't friendlier versions of Snap, Crackle and Pop fronting CHOCOLATE Rice Krispies? I'm gettin the sense that there's a whoooooole lotta backstory we ain't gettin here, folks.

A good tip off is that underscored VITAMIN D, folks.  Ess a verrreeee special kinda vitamin they’re serving up for the little kiddles.

Oh, and we all know what the poor Cap'n's been up to. And I think that you'll agree that he has nooooo business waving a cutlass/pirate's sword around.

All kidding aside, folks, what do you think they’re subliminally selling you and your children???

Maybe it’s the cereal company’s indirect and artistic way to be upfront about it: WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOUR CHILDREN AFTER CONSUMING LOADS OF REFINED SUGAR AND HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP IN THE MORNING.

Get ’em bright and early in the day!  Like that nice cuppa coffee.

KINDA RELATED — I found a new favorite sugary cereal to fiend for.  It’s actually a Safeway brand and something you’d most easily overlook:

Think Cinnamon Toast Crunch, except with a really powerful blueberry and vanilla flavor instead of all that cinnamon.  It has that nice crispness to each cereal square that makes it pleasant to eat, even after soaking in milk for a bit.

SOOOO deliciously addictive.  And cracked-out with sugar.

It’s junk food, plain and simple — I’m not even gonna lie to you.  But if you’re gonna go a little junky once 2PM rolls around, this is most definitely satisfying.  With or without milk!

BUT ANYWAY, I guess somewhere in this post is a question that’s as-yet unanswered: WHAT THE FRAK HAPPENED TO THE WORLD OF CEREAL BOX CHARACTERS???

Is it a generational thing???  Were they ALWAYS that creepy?  Had that silly rabbit contracted rabies a decade or so ago and spread it all over the world of General Mills, Post and Kellogg’s?

Maybe I missed something somewhere.  A long time ago.

IN OTHER NEWS, I’m so sorry I forgot to post this in that last blog post:

YES.  We haz combos.

Love and tacos,


0 Responses to A Part of Your Complete Breakfast: Drug Pushing Cereal Boxes

  1. mawnck says:

    Honestly, kids these days.

    The Cap’n Crunch boxes in this post are limited edition “retro” designs using old artwork, dating back to when the Jay Ward studios (of Rocky and Bullwinkle fame) was making the commercials. The thing on the Crunch Berry box is the Crunch Berry Beast. Observe:

    So yeah, they were always that creepy, if not moreso.

    +1 for the Blueberry Crunch recommendation.

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