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Welcome to Happy Traffic School! (WHERE YOUR CAR IS A LOADED WEAPON)

So, I got a speeding ticket a few weeks ago in the morning where the 2 and the 5 merge.  While I wasn’t checking my speedometer, I KNOW FOR A FACT that I wasn’t going any faster than 75mph.  Because my car sounds different when it goes higher than that.  GRANTED, 75mph is still considered speeding in a 65 mph zone — but I couldn’t help but resent that he wrote down on my ticket that I was going 78.

I KNOW THAT 78 IS ONLY 3 MILES FASTER THAN 75, BUT STILL!  Giving someone a ticket for 75 in a 65mph zone where everyone else is going about 75 is not cool.  Giving a ticket to someone going 78 is more of a gray area.

ALSO, when he pulled me over, I said, “Oh, was I going that fast, officer?”

“No, not really,” he replied.

WTF, dudes?  WTF?

LONG STORY SHORT, I paid the fine (which wasn’t so fine and dandy with my bank account, but apparently the law doesn’t care!) and started up my traffic school last night.

I didn’t scan the entire list of approved traffic schools, but there were two that caught my eye — cheapfastfun.com and happytrafficschool.com.  I first logged onto cheapfastfun.com and immediately felt like a I’d entered a very sad bordello.  The fast food stop for men seeking cheap and quick ladies of the night.

I say men because something tells me that ladies seeking ladies would probably frequent a more classy establishment.

It was about 19 dollars or so for the course, which isn’t exorbitantly expensive, but the landing page gave me the heebie jeebies.

And so Happy Traffic School it was!  CLICK.

AND LOOK!  It’s even CHEAPER than CHEAP, FAST and FUN by FOUR WHOLE DOLLARS!

I was expecting a lot more yellow and happy faces, but it seemed a lot less shady than cheapfastfun.com — which really wasn’t all that cheap or fun-looking to begin with.

“WANNA SEE THE CLOWN RIDE, KIDS???!!”
“Uh… that’s okay, Uncle Joe Joe.”
“COME ON, Y’ALL LIKE CLOWNS, RIGHT?”  ::yank:: “LESS SEE THE CLOWNS.”

Anyway, I signed up, the clock started and I was hit with a rittle of this:

I don’t know if you can read that, but apparently the motor vehicle is a loaded WEAPON.  Don’t believe Happy Traffic School?

Any object that weighs as much as a car does and is fueled by 20 gallons of a flammable liquid while moving down the street at 50 feet per second has the power to do some serious damage. Remember all weapons, including cars, can kill people...For example, just because there wasn’t a child behind your vehicle yesterday as you backed out of your driveway, that doesn’t mean there isn’t a child hiding behind your car today. But how often do we walk around to the back of the vehicle and check for hiding children, their toys, obstructions, etc.?

That reminds me.  Must always check for hiding children.

As I continued to read on and “re-educate” myself about driving, I couldn’t help but wonder — where was the “happy”?

Automobile collisions are responsible for more deaths than the total lives lost in every war the United States has ever fought. It is an enormous number, and a tragic one. We all need to wake up to the fact that the automobile is truly the deadliest weapon in America. You need to treat your automobile with respect and caution as you would any dangerous weapon.  More and more people illegally carry a gun in their car “for emergencies.”

But apparently, the pursuit of happy-ness is futile and empty and full of dangerous land mines…THAT WILL KILL YOU IF YOU’RE NOT CAREFUL.

On the first page alone there were at least 15 uses of the word “deadly” in reference to your motor vehicle.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh!  And I got 7 more hours of this to goooooooooo!!!!

Wish me luck.  Or a prescription for anxiety medication.

Love and tacos,
Aliiiiiiiiiiiiiice

6 Responses to Welcome to Happy Traffic School! (WHERE YOUR CAR IS A LOADED WEAPON)

  1. The “happy” was in the price, I guess! Sorry you have to go through this, bro.

  2. Diana says:

    Maybe you should get your speedometer checked outz.

  3. Jason says:

    This is gonna appear like spam, but it’s not. Honestly. =) In the future, if you think that you got a ticket unfairly, you can actually fight it through writing (it’s referred to as “trial de novo”) and not having to waste a day at court.

    The down-side is that you have to pay the ticket’s full price to be able to contest it and if you’re found innocent, you get refunded the whole money…several months later. =P

    But I’ve won once using the technique (haven’t gotten a ticket since, so I couldn’t tell ya if it worked beyond that or not.. =D )

  4. Orient says:

    Hey, That was a good blog post thank you sincerely for sharing this information with me.

  5. Brian Sloan says:

    Love the blog, ate with you guys a few weeks ago when I was in la area. I own a BBQ catering in dallas, tx . You guys ever make it to Texas.

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